Canonical List of Musician Jokes

Contributed By: nadpete@cruzio.com

Archived and Converted to HTML By: Derek Cashman (cashman@infi.net)

Re-HTMLized by Jonathan Andrew Sheen (jsheen@sidehack.gweep.net)

1. The guide was leading the hunter through the jungle and thundering native drums were everywhere.

The hunter remarked, "Those drums scare the shit out of me."

The guide replied, "Don't worry about drums."

The party continued on only to hear the drums increase their tempo and volume.

The hunter said, "Those drums are getting louder! Are you sure everything's okay?"

The guide answered, "Don't worry about drums."

After a few more minutes, the drums abruptly stopped. The hunter rejoiced, "Those damned drums have finally stopped!".

The guide said, "Better worry now."

"Why?", asked the hunter.

The guide answered, "Now come Bass solo."

2. The sax player died and went to heaven.

After he entered the pearly gates, he was directed by St. Peter to the local jazz band's rehearsal studio.

When he walked into the studio, the sax player was overjoyed to see that in the sax section were John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderly, and Jerry Mulligan. The rest of the group was made up of equally great players, including the leader of the band, Duke Ellington.

The sax player was so overcome with joy at the prospect of playing with such great musicians he exclaimed to Duke, "What a band! It must be great to conduct a group like this!"

Duke Ellington replied, "Yeah. Well...It's okay, I guess."

The sax player was shocked. He asked, "How can you say that? This band has all of the greatest musicians there ever were! What's wrong?"

Duke Ellington replied, "Well, you see...God's got this girlfriend, and she sings..."

3. A man holding a pet boa constrictor walks into a night club to get a drink and sits next to a blind man.

He orders a drink and water for his buddy (the boa).

The blind man says, "Hey, no one drinks water at the bar."

The boa's owner smiles and replies, "My buddy does."

The blind man replies, "I gotta meet you guys."

He reaches over to the other man and touches his face.

He says "Round, Beard, & Brows - you're a 30 year old Irish man".

Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it's face.

He says, "Slimey, Scaley, & Cold. Oh! You're the club owner".

4. A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The cheif of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

5. The string trio had been killed in an auto accident, and they were standing before St. Peter in front of the Pearly Gates.

The violinist stepped forward and addressed St. Peter, saying "Um...Hi, I guess I'm ready to go in."

St. Peter responded, "Okay. But first, you have to pass the test."

"What's the test?", asked the violinist.

"How do you spell God?", St. Peter asked.

"G-O-D," responded the violinist, and she walked on through to Heaven.

Next, the cellist stepped forward and asked St. Peter, "How about me?"

Once again, St. Peter asked, "How do you spell God?"

"G-O-D," answered the cellist, and he passed through.

Finally, the violist stepped forward and confidently said, "Hey, St. Pete! G-O-D. That sure was easy."

He began to step forward when his way was blocked by two seraphim.

He turned to St. Peter and demanded, "What's the problem?"

St. Peter answered, "Don't be so hasty. How do you spell chrysanthemum?"

6. A musician dies of a heroin overdose, and finds himself in Purgatory.

There, he meets an angel that is reading a large book with the musician's name on the cover.

The angel looks up at the newly arrived spirit and says, "Hi, we've been expecting you."

"Where am I?", asks the musician.

The angel answers, "In Purgatory. I've been reading the book of your life, and it turns out that your good deeds are evenly balanced by your bad deeds."

"So, what's next?"

"We've decided to let you pick where you are going...Heaven or Hell. And, to help you make up your mind, we're going to give you a glimpse of each."

So saying, the angel motions the musician over to a curtain labeled "Heaven".

The angel parts the curtain, and before them is a bucolic scene of eternal spring with angelic choirs singing praises to God.

The musician surveys the scene, and says, "Well, I could hang with that. But...what's Hell look like?"

In response, the angel motions the musician over to a curtain labeled "Hell".

Parting the curtain reveals a smoke filled room with well dressed people happily talking and dancing, while a quartet is playing a rather good version of "Have You Met Miss Jones?".

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the musician, "I've got nothing against Heaven, but Hell looks like a place that I could really dig."

"No problem," answers the angel.

With that, it pulls an unseen lever and the musician falls through a trap door. The musician lands with a large splash in a cauldron of molten blood. There are screams of eternal agony in the distance. A horribly ugly demon begins poking the musician in the side with a large trident.

"What the Hell is this!", cries the musician. "I've been tricked!"

The demon answers, "Yeah, I know. But, that thing above sure is a hell of a demo!"

7. A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.

The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?"

The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."

The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?"

To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"

8. Q: What is a civilized person? A: Someone who can play the accordion but won't.
9. Q: How do you know when a lead singer is knocking on your front door? A: He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.
10. Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your front door? A: The knock slows down.
11. Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking speeds up.
12. Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band? A: The moose has the horns in front and the arsehole in back!
13. Q: What do you call a trombone player with a beeper? A: An Optimist!
14. Q: What did the trombone player say when he got to the gig? A: ...Want fries with that?
15. Q: What do you call a guitarist with no girlfriend? A: Homeless
16. Q: What's the difference between a coffin and a cello? A: With the coffin, the corpse is on the inside!
17. Q: How do you know if a drummer is on the level? A: He drools out of both sides of his mouth!
18. Q: What's the definition of 'perfect pitch'? A: A viola landing in the toilet on the first toss!
19. Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? A: Put sheet music in front of him.
20. Q: What does a trombone player do after he wakes up in the morning? A: Puts his clothes on and goes to work.
21. Q: What does a lead singer do after he wakes up in the morning? A: Puts his clothes on and goes home.
22. Q: Why does a drummer always lay his sticks crossed on his dashboard? A: So he can park in handicapped zones.
23. Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to be on the guest list.

A2: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

24. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
25. Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
26. Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to watch him and say, "I can do that faster."

P.S.: But, there is always one who will ask, "Would Stevie Vai do it that way?"

27. Q: How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He holds the light bulb in the socket, and the world revolves around him.
28. Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around his ass.
29. Q: How many country western singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
30. Q: How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb? A: First, he bites off the old one.
31. Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test? A: Drool.
32. Q: How do you tell when a concert stage is level? A: The drool is running out both sides of the drummer's mouth.
33. Q: What does "Accelerando" mean? A: Hurry up, the conductor skipped another page again.
34. Q: What does "Da Capo" mean? A: Go back to the beginning, only play it right this time.
35. Q: What do most drummers think time is? A1: A magazine. A2: An herb.
36. Q: What do you call two violin players tuned a quarter tone apart playing the same part? A: Unison.
37. Q: What do you call two guitar players playing the same part? A: Counterpoint.
38. Q: What's the difference between a snake laying dead in the road after it's been run over, and a trombone player laying dead in the road after he's been run over? A: The snake was on his way to a gig.
39. Q: What do you call the difference between a sax and a chain saw? A: Vibrato.
40. Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a pit bull? A: (for women) Lipstick. A: (for men) None.
41. Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist? A: Sometimes, you can negotiate with a terrorist.
42. Q: What's the difference between a soul band and a moose? A: In a moose, the horns are up front and the asshole is in the back.
43. Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit? A: It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.
44. Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? A: You have to take you shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
45. Q: What's the difference between a string bass and a violin? A: The bass burns longer.
46. Q: If a violist and a conductor were both laying in the road, which one should you run over first? A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
47. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: A drummer.
48. Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room? A: They never know when to come in.
49. Q: What does a lead trumpet player use for birth control? A: His personality.
50. Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
51. Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist? A: They both fuck up bowings.
52. Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
53. Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
54. Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
55. What is the difference between... o A french horn and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower. o A clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. o A saxophone and a chainsaw? The grip. o An accordion and a trampoline? You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
56. The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist 1 bad violinist 1 really bad violinist who became a violist 1 cellist who hates all violinists.
57.

Glossary of Musical Terms:

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note.

There are three kinds:

INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vire's organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras